Travelogue

DEPARTURE

I am on a plane.

It's been well over a decade since I've flown anywhere, almost 20 years since traveling for work. I'd never even heard of early check-in before yesterday (when an app on my phone when got really insistent about doing so). I went ahead and printed the boarding pass since a paper ticket sounded familiar, and then carried it around the airport. I loitered for while near the check-in counters, reading my oddly-homemade ticket and making sure it would get me to my seat.

The security check wasn't too bad. There was that familiar panic of trying to get all my things into the little tub, convinced I was going derail the entire process causing the line to back way up. People would stamp their feed and huff with rage while I trembled and wept. It was fine. I strolled right through in step with everyone else. Again, not too bad.

At the gate, I went all in and plopped my phone down on the scanner and checked in with the QR code on my screen, thus boarding without using my paper ticket. That part was neat.

(Actually, I'm 99% sure that the barcode was an Aztec code, not QR. Not getting out much doesn't make me some kind of savage.)

Upgrading to first class was an indulgence that I considered a reward for being willing to travel. This was a sound decision. They had free booze, but I didn't want any. They had free lots of things that didn't really interest me. The true luxury of first class can be summed up in one word: ELBOWS. I spent four hours in the air and didn't have to think about where to put my fucking elbows. Not even once.

Money well spent.

ARRIVAL

It could very easily be my imagination, but I swear every city has a unique odor. Not in a bad way or anything, but they all smell different. Nevada smells like a hot street near the beach if you subtract the smell of the actual ocean. I don't really expect that to make sense to anyone else.

The first order of business after getting to my room was to turn on the TV. I love watching the local news in a new city. Everyone is so ugly and strange!  Look at those weirdos, talking about things happening in obviously fake locations.

The only thing to really catch me off guard was the hotel mini bar. Rather than retail packaging, candy and pretzels were presented in nice little boxes that all matched. It looks nice and no doubt gives the hotel better margins. I'm sure they were taking an absolute bath selling 1.7 oz packages M&M's for $13.

What I wasn't ready for was the "Intimacy Kit" ($32) at one end of the tray. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to sell. The problem was the contents:

More specifically, the order in which they're listed. I can't find an objective pattern to it (total items, alphabetical order, number of vowels, etc.), so I'm left to assume this is the order in which you're to use them. I worry that I've grown this old and still don't understand how sex works.